Anthony High, Executive Director, and J. Mark Horst, Bible Teacher discuss fatherhood in this special episode of the Voice of Hope.
Anthony: Here in the United States, we are celebrating Father’s Day. J. Mark, what’s a memory you have of your father?
JMH: I’ll briefly share two. My dad loved to sing. We were dairy farmers, and he sang in the milkhouse. All that steel and concrete made for good acoustics. In the evenings, he would sit on a swing we had between two big pine trees and often he would sing there, too. The other memory is him kneeling in prayer in our living room almost every morning and evening. Those things left a lasting impression on me.
JMH: What is your favorite memory that stands out to you in your journey of fatherhood?
Anthony: I have a lot of memories, and it’s hard to go with just one. The memories that stand out to me are the births of each child. I had the opportunity to attend each one, even the c-sections in the operating room. And of course there’s a story to go with each child, but we don’t have time for that.
I especially remember when our first child was born, being amazed at this beautiful little person who was given to us to raise and love. It was overwhelming, partly because the birth of a child is overwhelming and partly because I felt inadequate for the task.
JMH: Now, that little girl is married, and your youngest child is 9. As you look back, what do you think are the most important things a father can do for his children?
Anthony: There are lots of things you “should” do, but for the purposes of this episode I narrowed it down to three specific building blocks that I think are very important. That’s not to imply that they will grow up to be perfect adults but to fulfill my duty as a parent, I am called to build a foundation for them.
The first building block I think about is that we need to build healthy relationships with our children. There is a familiar passage in Deuteronomy 6:4-9 called the Shema by Judaism:
“Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one! You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.
“And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.
Here, God, through Moses, is explaining how a father is supposed to go about teaching the law his children. First, you are to teach diligently and then to reiterate the point, Moses gives the whole circle of the day, sitting in your house, walking by the way, lying down (presumably to rest), and when rising up again. The teaching needs to be intentional; this kind of communication doesn’t just happen. It also needs to be somewhat natural part of our relationship.
Clearly this is teaching the truth about who God is and what our relationship is to Him. But catch the proximity of parent and child. They are to be together. This teaching is to be carried out daily in a relationship. The short version of the story is that you’ve got to be there with your children to build a relationship. That’s what opens the door for the teaching part.
JMH: I’m sure some dads are feeling a bit guilty about now. They may feel like they aren’t doing very well.
Anthony: Yeah, me too. Obviously, there are things that take us away from our family. Many of us don’t have the privilege of working on a family farm or in a family business and so there are times of separation from family and children so that we can provide for them. I want to focus on the disconnected father even though he is physically present. This is a personal struggle.
I don’t know if it is good news or not, but you and I have biblical company. David, of all people, didn’t do so well with his sons.
If you look at 2 Samuel 13:2, at the end of the terrible story of Amnon and Tamar we have this line: “When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry.” The Dead Sea Scrolls and the Septuagint add the words: “But he did not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn.”
And if that doesn’t convince you, go to 1 Kings 1:6 where we find this parenthetical aside about Adonijah another one of David’s son’s: “(And his father had not rebuked him at any time by saying, ‘Why have you done so?’ He was also very good-looking. His mother had borne him after Absalom.)”
I sense a disconnected father, while he loved his children, he wasn’t effective at building a relationship with them. The overall effect was bitter and undisciplined princes who made attempts at taking the throne from their father.
JMH: The kind of relationships spoken about in Deuteronomy 6 build a level of trust between parent and child. As you mentioned, David didn’t have much of a relationship with his sons. Doesn’t that impact the effectiveness of discipline?
Anthony: Discipline is the building block I wanted to talk about. The main purpose of discipline is to teach our children, not to make them more convenient.
There are not a lot of verses that give detailed instructions on disciplining our children, however I think Hebrews 12:3-11 gives us the best model to follow; by looking at how our Heavenly Father disciplines us. Let me read it here:
“For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls. You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. And you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:
“My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; For whom the LORD loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives.”
If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
Here God is described as disciplining us as a father disciplines His children but not those who are not His children. Disciplining other people’s children doesn’t go that well. Again, the relationship is primary, your children need to know they are loved even when they are disciplined.
Next, we use discipline as a tool to teach. I used to have the idea that God was up there with a “stick” waiting to punish me when I did something wrong. It was a bit of an “Aha” moment when I realized that this discipline has more to do with teaching than punishing. The wicked are punished but the righteous are disciplined. God’s purposes are always to correct and guide his children. God’s intentions according to the last verse is to be “partakers of his holiness” and to “yield peaceable fruit of righteousness”. Simply put, we are to become more like Him.
I think this gives us a model to follow when it comes to disciplining our children, our purposes are to teach them and guide them. We set reasonable rules and instructions to teach them how to go about life. Ultimately, our purpose is to point them to Christ.
JMH: You keep talking about the importance of relationships, what should the parent/child relationship look like?
Anthony: First, I’m not an expert. I don’t know when my children will listen to this, but I am sure that if you asked them, they could each give you a long list of my failures. So, while I have some things that worked for my family. This doesn’t mean that they are failproof or foolproof. I suggest you figure out what works in your family and be diligent about it. Keep in mind that the end goal is to build a healthy relationship that gives space to teach our children and to point them to Jesus.
The relationship building begins before the children are even born. Dads, I’m talking about your relationship with your wife. I’m told that unborn children can sense stress and trauma; make sure that’s not coming from you. Hold your babies, cuddle them. They should feel comfortable with you too. When we were raising our children there was an teaching going around that said you should just let your children cry it out. There may be times your child needs to cry and then go to sleep but you need to be careful with that. The parent should be the first source of comfort.
Take time to answer the 101 questions from your 2-year-old. They are curious about the world around them, and this is the perfect opportunity to teach them about God and how the world works. They may not always be this bold to ask questions so take the opportunity while you have it.
One thing that our children enjoyed all through their growing up years was when I took special time with each of them. Somehow this was called their “day”. It began with wheelbarrow rides and morphed into trips to McDonald’s for ice cream. I thought that as our children became teens they may not be interested. That wasn’t true, the only thing that changed is that it has become harder to schedule. I’ve done everything from going to the park, to fishing, to 10 mile runs, to bowling, to shopping at bookstores and visiting art studios.
I’ve had to learn to spend a little money. I’m stingy and reluctant to go on expensive adventures, but I’ve realized that buying bubble tea or something extra can help build those relationships. Look for opportunities that are meaningful to them and schedule them on your calendar. And don’t be too practical. Do some things just for memory’s sake.
There’s nothing that beats coming home from one of those adventures and hearing your son or daughter say, “Thanks Dad, that was fun.”
Another easy one is to put the phone away and turn off the notifications. Few things say to a child, “you are not important” than checking your phone in the middle of a conversation. This is one that I feel bad even saying because I know I’ve often failed here. You get a text or a call you were expecting in the middle of hearing about some trivial event from the school day. What did I just communicate? You’re not important. Ouch.
JMH: You said three building blocks. You gave us relationships and discipline and they seem to be intertwined. What’s the final building block?
Anthony: Be a godly example.
We have all heard the saying, “Like father, like son” or “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree”. Whether we like it or not, our parents are most likely going to be the examples of how we pattern our lives. As a father my shortcomings are on full display to my family.
But that doesn’t mean a godly man is a perfect man. King David, referred to as the man after God’s own heart, failed miserably. Rather a godly man recognizes, confesses, and repents from his sins.
What I would’ve told myself, if I could have talked to myself 20 years ago when I first became a father, is to be the follower of Jesus that you want your children to be. Simply be an example. And when you are not the example, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge that to your children and confess and repent.
Another thing that can’t be given enough emphasis is to pray for our children.
There’s an old song by Phillips, Craig, and Dean called “Midnight Oil”. In the first verse it says, “Mamma likes to burn the midnight oil, down on her knees in prayer.” The next verse says, “Mamma’s gone to be with Jesus, I’ve got a family of my own, Yet whenever the clock strikes midnight, You will find me all alone, That’s when I start to call upon Jesus, for His wisdom and His power, ‘Cause it seems that He loves to hear a Daddy’s prayer even in the midnight hour.
Our Heavenly Father cares more about our children than we do, so it only makes sense to spend time praying for them.
JMH: Speaking of prayer, our children learn how to pray by listening to us. One of the ways they learn that is in a family devotional time. What have you done that’s been an effective example?
Anthony: Yes, we have tried various types of devotions with our children and have even tried different times of the day. In the early days we read Bible stories out of children’s Bible story books. Later, we read through books of the Bible. I recall our children asking to read some of the more prophetic books of the Bible such as Ezekiel, Esther, or Revelation. I often tried to do it in an easier to read translation so they can get a picture of the overall story. We have also read books of a spiritual nature, such as “More than a Carpenter” to prompt the older children. There are some good family devotional books out there as well. Lately, we have been working on a Bible memory passage that our children are studying for a Bible quizzing competition they participate in.
Family devotional times can become monotonous and a drudgery. It takes some parental creativity to keep it alive. One thing that has helped us recently is to follow a prayer calendar for some missionaries. Our children have got to know some of these people personally and they find it interesting to read their requests and to pray for them.
Right now, we find the best time is in the evening. We can wind down and then go to bed. Sometimes our older children come up with some deep questions and want to discuss them. Take the time to do it. It’s tempting to shut them down and go to bed but those are the teaching moments.
Maybe bedtime doesn’t work for you and that’s fine. Going back to Moses’ instructions in Deuteronomy 6, they were to teach during every waking moment. I think you should find what works for your family and then stick with it. But be aware of changes, as children age, the routine can change as well.
Family mealtimes are a good time for teaching and discussion. No doubt it can be challenging to direct the conversation in a profitable direction. The goal is to create space for these interactions to happen. When we run with our calendars overflowing, it’s hard to have those teachable moments. Life needs to have a certain amount of boredom to allow for relationships and creativity.
Conclusion
In our practical illustrations, we ended up back where we began with building healthy relationships. This takes time and energy, but I think it is 100% worthwhile. Get to know your children well. God created each of them with a unique personality and special gifts. We also talked about discipline which isn’t a popular topic for the day but when that discipline is built on the healthy relationship and has the purpose of teaching and guiding our children to Christ it can “yield a peaceable fruit of righteousness”. Finally, there’s no substitute for being a godly example for your children. We should be able to say as Paul did in 1 Cor. 11:1, “Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.” These are three building blocks you can use to raise your children and point them to Christ.
Come back next week for a special episode by Anthony, Arlin, and J. Mark as they discuss the future of Heralds of Hope!
